


Ill-Defined Border

by Quietstar (AmpliSignal)



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Don't copy to another site, Gen, angst with a bittersweet ending (probably), characters will be tagged as they appear, dysfunction junction, what's your malfunction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-10-27 02:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20752745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmpliSignal/pseuds/Quietstar
Summary: In hindsight, perhaps they should have known darker forces were at work.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place immediately following Mapleshade's Vengeance. Some minor details are tweaked or ignored, but for the most part everything is assumed to happen as it did in canon up to this point.
> 
> Tags will be modified after each chapter is posted. Some chapters will involve suicidal ideation, which will be warned for at the beginning. Violence is canon-typical at most.

_“I’d kill you three times if I could.”_

_Ravenwing’s gasp was cut off as teeth dug into his throat-_

-and breath finally came as his eyes snapped open.

No one was standing over him anymore. Above him, the air was hazy, half-lit, nothing like the air in Mothermouth. He couldn’t see three tail-lengths in front of him. Drawing another wheezing breath, Ravenwing rolled over onto his front, then cast his gaze around. The mist slowly receded, until he could see the grass up to about five tail-lengths away. Not much of an improvement, but he would take it.

Where was he? This wasn’t StarClan. The light was dim at best through the fog, no other cat was around, and even the scent of the land was… distinctly wrong.

The kits had died, Mapleshade had said, moments before slaying him. That couldn’t be right. StarClan would never send him a sign that would result in kits dying unnecessarily, and he hadn’t interpreted the reeds to mean that the kits needed to die. She must have been lying. Yet there had been no scent of the kits on her, and for all his rancor towards her for betraying ThunderClan, he knew she would never abandon her kits.

“How?” Ravenwing murmured, standing up and peering into the fog, as if expecting someone to come out and explain everything. No, the kits must have died. There’d been a flood at the river that night. Frecklewish had said the four of them all got across the river safely, but… she’d seemed shaken, like she knew it wasn’t true. Then why would StarClan tell him to send kits to their doom? Exiling them was one thing, given that they had another home to go to, but getting them killed was entirely another.

Had he misinterpreted the sign after all?

Gritting his teeth, Ravenwing strode forwards, his gaze towards the ground. He was not a murderer, he could say that much. He had spoken up for the good of the clan, and not once had he intended Mapleshade or the kits to come to harm- he had wanted to help all of the other cats, who had known nothing of Mapleshade’s treachery with Appledusk. He would not let himself be defined as a killer. Yet the kits’ blood remained on his conscience, like ticks on an elder.

Raising his head, he muttered, “I am not a killer.” This affirmation echoing through the air, he padded through the stunted trees, seeking some sign as to where he was meant to go. He knew, even if no one else did, what his intentions were. He did not have the heart of Appledusk, or of...

_Dark red fur, caught in the ticked tabby’s claws, scented of fish. Ravenpaw staggered forward, lowering his head to Oatspeckle’s side. Gashes lined his throat, and not so much as a wheeze escaped his jaws. They were nowhere near Sunningrocks, this had not been a border dispute, this had been-_

“Cold-blooded,” he hissed aloud, instinctively unsheathing his claws. What good would that do him? Little, but if he was outside StarClan for the moment, he never knew who he might see. Could Oatspeckle see him now, his view of their ancestors and of himself crumbling before him? Oatspeckle would have known how to interpret that sign. Oatspeckle would never have let those kits die. Oatspeckle would not be here, trapped, murdered by his former clanmate in a fit of rage over an imagined crime that may not have been so imagined after all.

His tail dragging behind him, Ravenwing sheathed his claws and shook his head. “Please,” he whispered, his eyes sweeping over the land in front of him, in search of someone, anyone. “I need help.”

There was no response.

Letting his eyes wander, Ravenwing proceeded forwards, his ears swiveling around him to pick up any sound that wasn’t just his own pawsteps. It would do him no good to sit here and wait. Being alone was wearing on his mind, but he doubted not being alone would be much better; he had no idea who else might come along.

Were they mourning him now, in the Clan lands? Had ThunderClan found out what had befallen him? Surely the other medicine cats had found his body, and told his clan of his fate. Deerdapple would be devastated, and he suspected Bloomheart would be shaken as well. He could almost see their faces, breaking as they found out what Mapleshade had done-

Oh, StarClan, Bloomheart was probably in danger as well. At least Deerdapple had not been present at the banishment; Bloomheart had openly spoken out against his former apprentice, and while Ravenwing could hope Mapleshade wouldn’t prioritize him as a target, he knew that hope spared no cats.

If he hadn’t gone out alone, if he had met up with the other medicine cats earlier, maybe he could have saved himself. Failing that, if he were in StarClan right now, he could warn Bloomheart, let him know what Mapleshade had said, let him know that every cat in ThunderClan was at risk.

Ravenwing lowered his head and exhaled heavily. He was utterly powerless. He had no choice but to put his hope in StarClan, and that hope had been horribly shaken by these events.

All he could do was keep going.


	2. Chapter 2

Ravenwing had no idea how much time had passed since he’d woken up. The dim light filtering through the haze provided no indication of the sun’s position, assuming the sun even existed here. It could have been less than a sunrise, or it could have been several moons. He had seen no one else yet, so it probably had not been long… unless this was his punishment, to remain here alone until the clans passed on into memory, without knowing the fate of his clanmates.

No, it couldn’t be. If StarClan was punishing him, this would not have been the first he had seen of this place. Some cat would have been sent here before, and their folly would have become a nursery story, told to kits for seasons afterward.

_ “Where am I?” _

At any other time, Ravenwing would have been happy to hear that voice. Hearing it now drove a shudder through him. He had his answer, and part of him wished he had not received it.

_ “Birchface? Flowerpaw?” _ the voice continued yowling, growing louder as Ravenwing drew closer to its source. Stepping over a branch, he finally found himself in front of Frecklewish. As she spotted him, she jolted. “Ravenwing?” she asked, her ears pinning back.

Ravenwing nodded gravely. “It’s me,” he answered, his tail lowering. “I wish we had met again under… better circumstances.”

Frecklewish lowered her eyes to his neck. “Larkwing told us you were murdered,” she said softly. Frowning, she added, “I had thought StarClan would give you the highest honors. You were faithful to your duty, telling us immediately about the sign, and about…”

At this, Ravenwing furrowed his brows, his ears flattening against his temples. “That sign may not have been from StarClan,” he said, meeting Frecklewish’s eyes directly. They were ringed with red, he suspected from whatever had caused her death. Lowering his head, he murmured, “I cannot think of any reason why StarClan would willfully bring kits to their deaths.”

“...Mapleshade murdered you, too, didn’t she?” Frecklewish said after a few moments’ hesitation, her tone shaky. “Blamed you for what happened to her kits? Said you were a murderer?”

Each time he thought maybe he’d been wrong to call Mapleshade a traitor, the case for her was swiftly dismissed. Ravenwing unsheathed his claws and dug them into the ground. “If anyone should be called a murderer, it is not you,” he hissed, his tail lashing. “You lost your brother. She had no right to judge or execute you for the things you said in your grief.” Silence remained for a few long moments. Finally, he sheathed his claws and looked back up at her. “But I do wish to know,” he said, “what happened when you went to the river.”

Frecklewish’s eyes fixed on a point just over his shoulder. Ravenwing could just barely perceive a continued twitching in her ears, subtle yet persistent. “I- I went to make sure that they left,” she answered, her tail beginning to twitch as well. “Then the river started to flood, but by that point I... couldn’t reach them. I saw RiverClanners there, so… I left, assuming they’d be saved.”

Her demeanor now was almost exactly the same as when she’d originally returned from the river, but Ravenwing knew better than to pry. The look in her eyes suggested that demanding the truth would just break her, and it wouldn’t get them any closer to StarClan besides.

Ravenwing sighed. “I suppose it does not matter now,” he said, looking off to the side. “Once we escape this place and enter StarClan, then we can talk about what happened.”

After a few moments, Frecklewish’s gaze returned to his face, and she nodded. “Of course,” she said, seeming to return to reality. “But where is StarClan?”

Ravenwing shook his head. “I do not know.” Looking up, he narrowed his eyes. He still couldn’t see the sky through the fog. “Perhaps, if we find a source of light, and follow it, it will lead us there.” With that, he began to walk forward, past Frecklewish, with a flick of his tail signaling her to follow.

As he walked, Frecklewish’s pawsteps echoing behind him, Ravenwing pondered. Birchface certainly wouldn’t have called for the sign, not when it ended in Frecklewish’s death, and very well might end in Oakstar’s death as well. He had no idea how far Mapleshade intended to go, how many cats had to die before she was satisfied. She had specified “three times,” probably because of her three kits, so he could be sure she would choose another victim… but who would be her top priority? StarClan willing, some cat would kill her before she cut down any more ThunderClanners.

Then again, StarClan hadn’t been willing to do much of anything so far.

Time passed- a sunrise, it felt like- yet they found nothing besides more trees, more grass, and the same unrelenting gray haze. Though he felt no desire for food or sleep, Ravenwing still found himself stopping by a tree and lying down next to it, his eyes staring blankly at the ground. “You think it’s safe to stop here?” Frecklewish asked lowly, her paws setting down on the grass beside him. “We don’t know who else might be here.”

“Probably no one,” he said, his ears twitching. “It seems like we are completely alone.”

With a sigh, Frecklewish sat down next to him, her tail wrapping around her paws. “We have to get there,” she insisted. “I need to tell Birchface and Flowerpaw that I’m sorry I failed them. That…” She swallowed. “That I’m sorry I fell for Mapleshade’s lies, and didn’t manage to avenge them before I died.”

Ravenwing exhaled slowly, his breath clouding up the air between his face and the dirt. “Do you have any idea why StarClan might have done this?” he asked, lifting his head to look up at her. “Any of this. The sign, giving no input on our decision, sending the flood, putting us here.”

Frecklewish furrowed her brows and turned her head away from Ravenwing, seemingly deep in thought. “I don’t know,” she said finally, weariness clear in her tone. “Birchface would’ve had us in StarClan by now. Unless StarClan as a whole is angry at us.” In a lower voice, she muttered, “I can understand why they’d be mad at me, but I don’t know why they’d be mad at you.”

He could think of several reasons, but he remained quiet as he lowered his head back onto his paws. “I promise, I will get you there,” he said after a short pause. “Birchface will be happy to see you again, I am sure of it.”

“And I’ll make sure you get there too,” Frecklewish said, turning her head back towards him. In her eyes, he could see a firmness that hadn’t been there before. “I promise.”

He wished that the idea of seeing StarClan again granted him comfort, but he couldn’t be sure of what awaited him when he did. Frecklewish would be welcomed into their ranks in short order, but what about himself? Would Oatspeckle be disappointed in him? Would Mapleshade’s kits ask for him to be cast out, as he had done to them? Blinking, Ravenwing closed his eyes and willed those thoughts to the back of his mind. All that mattered now was getting Frecklewish to where she needed to be. He would take the consequences of his own actions when the time came. Oatspeckle would have wanted him to take responsibility, and this was the way to do it.

Frecklewish flicked the tip of her tail across his nose. “Don’t go to sleep,” she murmured in a clearly halfhearted attempt at levity. “We should go soon. I’m ready when you are.”

Ravenwing sighed, and nodded. “In a few minutes.”


	3. Chapter 3

A few minutes later, Ravenwing had gotten to his paws, and the two of them had left their spot by the tree. They set off in the same direction they had been going earlier, though Frecklewish got the feeling that this direction was leading them nowhere. Her ears swiveled to try and catch any outside sounds, but there was nothing besides their pawsteps crunching against slightly-damp grass.

Beneath her paw, a twig snapped-

_ -and she raced towards the cliff, her paws reaching out in a vain attempt to reach her brother as he plummeted into the water- and his apprentice, as she dove in after him, a choked cry escaping her. Screeching, Frecklewish surged forwards, but she was swiftly shoved to the ground by a heavy pair of paws. She thrashed, howling, lashing out with every ounce of desperation she had, but her captor would not budge. Her eyes locked onto Appledusk, saw him watch his victims sink with a hint of a smirk on his face, stared as he turned and left, his face contorting in sick, demented laughter- _

_-then she saw his kits, his _spawn, _staring up at her with terrified eyes as she snarled at them, dubbed them what they were- half-clan scum, not even worthy of being called cats. _Creatures._ Their faces melded the features of a murderer and a filthy liar, and though their eyes begged her for mercy, she could only feel hatred twisting her heart, choking it. The words escaping her maw were abhorrent, and she knew it, but she could not bear to look at them as though they belonged to the same species as her when she knew who- no, _what_ they really were._ _They were finally dragged away, and she could finally blink-_

_ -she opened her eyes and they tumbled into the water, howling for help, and the hatred finally released her. Gritting her teeth, she raced towards the cliff, her paws reaching out- _

_ “Doesn’t that sound familiar?” boomed a voice- no, multiple voices, coming from all sides. “You think you can save them now?” She blinked, and Birchface and Flowerpaw floated before her, swollen, soaked, breathless. Their blank eyes fell on her. “Don’t bother,” they hissed, echoed by all the voices she had ever known. _

_ “No,  _ please,  _ I have to get to them,” Frecklewish begged, trying to push by. “They’re just  _ kits,  _ I was wrong, I’m  _ sorry- _ “ _

“No,”  _ they snarled, blocking her way, bearing over her. “This is who you are. A bystander. As good as a murderer.” Their teeth bared, water dripping from their maws onto her. “You killed us. You’re a murderer and a kit-killer.” _

“Please!”  _ she cried out, but the waters rose around her, and the cries drowned her out. She could hear laughing, screaming, accusing- _

“Frecklewish.”

Frecklewish jolted, whipping around to face the voice. Ravenwing stood there, his eyes concerned. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, his tail swishing behind him. Averting his gaze, he clarified, “Well… ‘okay’ may not be the best term. Are you able to keep going?”

Gritting her teeth, Frecklewish turned back in the direction they were going and started walking again, shaking her head. She couldn’t think about the past few days. She had to focus on where they were now if they were going to survive.

She just wanted to see Birchface again. Maybe he would tell her it wasn’t really her fault, maybe he would comfort her, tell her she had tried her best. Maybe he would assuage her guilt. Or maybe he would reinforce it. Maybe he would… Hissing lowly, she shook her head again. She couldn’t think about that, or she would be dragged into the depths with no escape. Narrowing her eyes, she stared straight ahead. A light, Ravenwing had said, that was their best bet.

Her eyes drifted off to the side-  _ there, _ she saw something. Through the fog, she could just barely make out a feline a few fox-lengths away, looking around in confusion. “Hey,” she whispered to Ravenwing, “someone’s over there.” Ravenwing turned to look as well, blinking. In silent agreement, the two proceeded towards the figure. Finally, the mist cleared to reveal a pale brown tom, and the memories flooded back in an instant-  _ rushing river, screeching brother, wailing apprentice, smug smirk- _ as his eyes fell upon her.

Her claws were unsheathed in an instant.  _ “You,” _ Frecklewish snarled, charging at him before he could say anything. Now was her chance to avenge her brother, his apprentice, the kits, everyone. He was going to pay in blood.

“Frecklewish,  _ no, _ ” Ravenwing hissed, stepping in her way and bristling his fur. He wasn’t especially big, but every sidestep she tried was matched closely by him. Appledusk craned his neck to try and see what was happening, feigning confusion.

“He killed my  _ brother, _ ” she screeched, “he killed Flowerpaw, he killed his  _ kits _ , he has done nothing but  _ kill _ , over and over and over again.” When Appledusk tilted his head and opened his mouth, she cut him off with a shake of her head. “I tried to save them, you know. When I saw the river flooding, I tried to go down to help. But all I could see was-” Her voice cracked, and a shudder coursed through her entire body. “Birchface and Flowerpaw just snarled at me, told me I couldn’t, I couldn’t move, I-”

Ravenwing tried to mouth to her to stop, but she shook her head and pushed him aside. “I couldn’t do anything,” she insisted to Appledusk, her ears flattening back, “but if you hadn’t  _ murdered them _ maybe I wouldn’t have lost it _ . _ ”

Appledusk finally found his voice. “That was an  _ accident, _ ” he growled, his back arching. “I didn’t mean for him to drown when I shoved him into the river. And it’s not like I  _ made _ Flowerpaw jump in after him.”

“You could have stopped her, though,” Frecklewish heard Ravenwing mumble under his breath.

Shaking his head, Appledusk gestured with his tail to the area behind him. “It doesn’t matter. We need to get out of here,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “Right after Mapleshade killed me, Perchpaw killed her, so she could show up any minute.”

The rage in Frecklewish’s mind gave way to spiteful satisfaction, swelling up like a bullfrog. Mapleshade was the last name she wanted to hear, but hearing that she had slain Appledusk softened the blow quite a bit. “You know, I wasn’t looking forward to hearing about who she’d murder next,” she said, her eyes narrowing, “but at least you deserved it.”

Appledusk gave her a sarcastic grin. “That’s great, I’m  _ really _ glad you’re happy,” he hissed, his tail lashing. “But she also tried to kill my mate, who was  _ expecting _ .” Tilting his head, he asked with bared teeth, “Are you going to say she deserved it, too?”

“I thought Mapleshade  _ was _ your mate,” Frecklewish sneered, “or are you admitting to being a two-timer as well as a murderer?”

“Would you both  _ calm down?” _ Ravenwing yowled finally, drawing himself up to his full height. Once they both turned to him, he continued more quietly, “This is getting us nowhere. We need to be searching for StarClan, not bickering like elders.”

Despite being several seasons younger than she was, he was still the voice of reason. Frecklewish found herself relaxing slightly, though her glare remained fixed on Appledusk. “He doesn’t deserve StarClan,” she muttered, twitching her ears. “Not after what he’s done.”

Ravenwing set his jaw. “That is for StarClan to decide, not us,” he said, looking back at Appledusk. “Either way, if what he says about Mapleshade is true, then we need to go.”

At this, Frecklewish reluctantly nodded. If Mapleshade had reached the point of indiscriminately slaughtering cats, including a cat that by all rights should have been her match made in StarClan, then she would no doubt wish to destroy them again. Where they would go if they died in this place, she wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t afford to find out.

Appledusk curled his lip. “If you hadn’t attacked me the moment you saw me,” he said, “I could’ve told you that I saw a light in the distance. I’ll bet that’s the way to StarClan.” Looking back over his shoulder, he added, “It was that way.” Why Appledusk thought they were going to trust him, Frecklewish didn’t know. He was a murderer, a liar, and apparently a free-twining tail, if his testimony about his other mate was to be believed.

She turned to Ravenwing with a raised brow, but Ravenwing simply said, “Thank you for sharing, Appledusk. We will go that way.” Did he honestly believe that Appledusk was telling the truth? Then again, Frecklewish admitted to herself, they didn’t have any better options. Wandering around by themselves had gotten them nowhere.

With a huff, Appledusk turned and walked in the direction he’d pointed out. Ravenwing followed him silently, and after a moment’s hesitation, Frecklewish followed them as well. If she stayed at the back, and Appledusk remained in front, he wouldn’t be able to try anything.

He might have been leading them into a trap. In fact, the chances were more likely than not. If it came down to it, she knew she was willing to sacrifice herself to allow Ravenwing to escape; it was the least she could do, after what she had allowed to happen. The question was whether he could escape even with her intervention.

He probably could, she decided finally. It was Appledusk against the two of them, and she would die three times over to save her Clanmate.


	4. Chapter 4

Some time later- figuring out how long was impossible with the lack of stars- they still had not encountered any traps, and the light in the distance slowly inched closer. It was any cat’s guess how far they had to go, or how long they had before Mapleshade caught up to them and tried to kill them. Maybe StarClan had taken pity on them and placed her further from the light than they were, and they could escape long before she realized they were there.

Frecklewish’s thoughts continued to wander aimlessly, having not yet found the light within her mind. There was no escaping the fact of what she had allowed to happen, regardless of what had stopped her. If she had just been strong enough to ignore the flashbacks, they would not be relying on her brother’s murderer to lead them to StarClan.

“Frecklewish,” she heard Ravenwing whisper, and turned to glanced back at him. Furrowing his brows, he asked, “Do you need to rest?”

Frecklewish shook her head. “No,” she said, “I’m fine.”

Ravenwing’s eyes remained on her, but he said nothing for a while, their pawsteps the only thing breaking the silence. Finally, he asked softly, “Why did you not tell me? I could have helped you.”

“With what?” Frecklewish asked, a growing weariness making itself evident in her tone. She was trying to act strong, she really was, but this situation was weighing on her like nothing else. She knew what Ravenwing was talking about, but she really would’ve preferred not to breach the subject again.

“The flashbacks,” Ravenwing said, confirming Frecklewish’s fears. “You were grieving- you should not have had to deal with that alone.”

He didn’t understand, did he? He may have been trying to help, but his naivete was on full display. “My weakness is no other cat’s problem but mine,” she answered, lowering her gaze to the ground. “I told no one.”

“Not even Mapleshade?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. “You did not think it could sway her, knowing you tried to help?”

The mention of Mapleshade made Frecklewish’s fur bristle. “She would’ve killed me no matter what I said,” she spat, “the crowfood-eating fox that she is.” After a few moments, she forced her fur to lie flat, but her chest tightened. “If anything, she would’ve had more reason to… if I confirmed her kits died because I was  _ weak _ -”

Ravenwing cut her off with a lash of his tail. “Struggling with grief does not make you weak,” he insisted, his ears pinning back against his skull. “Her kits died, not because of your flashbacks, but because nature had its way.”

“I could’ve  _ saved _ them, though,” Frecklewish snarled, “if I’d just been able to… to...” She trailed off, her brows furrowed. What  _ would _ she have done, with Birchface and Flowerpaw bearing down on her? Could she have gotten past them? Could she have willed them away? Surely there must have been some way...   


Her tail drooped. “There must have been a way,” she mumbled, “otherwise StarClan wouldn’t have stood by as Mapleshade killed me.” Looking back at Ravenwing, she shook her head. “They wouldn’t have punished me if I wasn’t at fault.”

Ravenwing stared back with solemn eyes. “Sometimes cats are killed, and StarClan lets it happen,” he said, his tail weaving through the grass. “You were a victim in this situation. Mapleshade had no right to kill you, even if StarClan did not stop her.”

Frecklewish lowered her head, her eyes fixating on the grass underneath her paws. StarClan had allowed a lot to happen over the past few moons. Perhaps Ravenwing had a point. Yet, she still couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt clinging to her like raindrops. Lifting her head up, she saw Appledusk turning his head to glance back at them, and opening his jaws- undoubtedly to offer his own opinion. “Stay out of this, Appledusk,” Frecklewish hissed, lashing her tail. With narrowed eyes, Appledusk resumed looking forward.

With a sigh, Frecklewish shook her head. “I shouldn’t have let Oakstar exile them,” she murmured. “If I’d just remembered the warrior code, or remembered what Birchface would have wanted, maybe none of this would have happened.”

“You were not the only one to forget the warrior code,” Ravenwing said, his brows furrowing. “The entire clan was fixated on how Mapleshade had broken it, yet we went on to break it ourselves.” Touching his tail to Frecklewish’s shoulder, he continued, “You made a mistake. You found that your love for the kits, our clan’s love for the kits, was not nearly as deep as any cat thought. But you are not the only cat who contributed to the situation- and you certainly should not bear the guilt of their deaths on your shoulders.”

Frecklewish’s eyes flickered up- and she paused. Framed in the light, she could make out another figure, sitting there, barely moving. That had to be Mapleshade, at this rate. Unsheathing her claws, she motioned to Ravenwing with her tail to stay back. What Appledusk did at this point didn’t matter to her, but she couldn’t let Ravenwing die. She’d promised.

As she came within a couple of fox-lengths, the figure’s features became clear. Scars lined her emaciated form, and her erratically-splotched face held hazy yellow eyes. Mapleshade gave no indication, other than a slight movement of her slitted pupils, that she had seen the three of them approach.

Frecklewish entered a battle stance, but before the first words could leave her mouth, Appledusk shoved past her. “You have some nerve, showing up here without even an  _ apology, _ ” he hissed, and with one quick movement he scored his claws across Mapleshade’s face. She flinched in response to the sudden attack, but said nothing.

Not so much as a hiss in retaliation? Frecklewish could only stare, wide-eyed. “Appledusk,  _ stop, _ ” Ravenwing demanded from beside her. She didn’t think to concur with him.

Ignoring Ravenwing’s order, Appledusk stared for a moment, then bared his teeth. “Still nothing?” he snarled. “Nothing for your medicine cat? Nothing for your former clanmates?” He lurched forward and smacked Mapleshade’s face again with the back of his other paw. “Nothing for me, after you killed  _ me _ -” he slapped her again- “killed  _ my kits-”  _ again, the blood spattering on his forelimb- “and tried to kill my mate, who- mind you- was  _ pregnant? _ ” Ravenwing rushed forward, but Appledusk kicked him aside and slashed Mapleshade across the nose, causing her to recoil away.

Yet she still remained silent, her eyes staring blankly up at him. His gaze twisted, full of the same disgust and loathing that had swallowed Frecklewish’s heart when she looked upon his kits. “What is  _ wrong _ with you?” he howled, rearing up in preparation for a death blow.

“That’s  _ enough, _ Appledusk,” Frecklewish growled finally, surging forward to grab him by the scruff and pull him back. She would have had no compunctions about watching anyone else kill Mapleshade again, especially since Mapleshade clearly knew she couldn’t object to it, but Appledusk of all cats had no right to complain about needless violence.

Despite the scene in front of her, Mapleshade remained silent still. Her eyes flickered between the three of them, but Frecklewish wasn’t sure her brain was processing any of them. Maybe she was just as fogged up inside as this place.

Maybe she’d shut down upon realizing that two of her victims hadn’t deserved what she’d done to them.

Ravenwing appeared on Frecklewish’s left, and touched his tail to her side. Blinking, Frecklewish shook her head, then proceeded forward, pushing past Appledusk and Mapleshade. She spared the three behind her only a glance, then kept walking towards the light. Shortly, she heard Ravenwing's pawsteps falling in line next to her, and the other two's pawsteps behind her.  


Despite her neutral expression, Frecklewish fumed. It wasn’t fair that Ravenwing should have to go through this, barely out of apprentice-hood as he was. It especially wasn’t fair that the two of them had to go through this with two murderers, even if Mapleshade had gained enough decency to keep her mouth shut. Much as Frecklewish doubted her own innocence, she knew she wasn’t a cold-blooded murderer.

Still, what made the difference between murder and what she’d done? Even if the vision she had of Birchface and Flowerpaw’s deaths was overwhelming at the time, did that really excuse her not doing anything to save the kits? Wasn’t it her own fault for not saving Birchface and Flowerpaw in the first place? For that matter, couldn’t she have prevented Ravenwing’s death too, if she’d just been more conscientious? Mapleshade and Appledusk did not deserve StarClan, Frecklewish was certain of that, but then she wasn’t sure she deserved it, either.

All she knew for certain was that Ravenwing did deserve it, and while she had no desire to allow Appledusk and Mapleshade to follow them, keeping them where she could keep an eye on them was the best way to ensure Ravenwing’s safety. Once he got to StarClan, she could deal with whatever else followed- but if he died again, she could never forgive herself.

Birchface and Oakstar would have wanted her to protect him, and that was enough to keep her going.


	5. Chapter 5

The cuts on Mapleshade’s face still stung.

Her jaws were clamped shut, her teeth gritted. If she opened her mouth to speak for even a moment, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from verbally eviscerating the others, delineating each and every way they had hurt her and her kits. While the chance for catharsis was tempting, the three of them could and probably would kill her if she dared to point any blame at them. They were already murderers, the blood of three kits on their paws; what was one more life snuffed out and trampled beneath their feet?

Yet, after she had slain them, the kits hadn’t been there to thank her for saving them. They hadn’t been there when she woke up, either, in this haze of confusion and hurt. Why would she be left out here if all she did was put her kits at peace?

_ Were _ they at peace, or had they watched their killers show no remorse even as they died? Had they watched Frecklewish refuse to take the blame for their deaths, refuse to even apologize for allowing them to drown? Had they watched Appledusk screech at their mother to leave, with not even a word about them? Were they watching now, as Ravenwing and Frecklewish still remained unapologetic, and Appledusk was still adamant on blaming their mother for the path of violence and bloodshed that ThunderClan and RiverClan had carved out for her?

They would never cry out for more cats to die, she realized. Patchkit, in all of his softness and timidity, would never have cheered over his father’s dead body, even if his father had made them all out to be nothing more than a mistake. Petalkit and Larchkit had had no chance to speak to her about Frecklewish and Ravenwing, but they would not have called for their blood to be spilled either.

She’d thought she was freeing them from the vortex of anguish and agony that had consumed them… but did she really? Would StarClan ever hold kits hostage until more blood was spilled? That didn’t make any sense. Nor did the fact that they had repaid her for exacting justice by casting her out into this place with the kits’ murderers.

None of this was fair. Her crime, before all of this had happened, was falling in love with a cat outside of her own clan- not even a murderer at the time, just an outsider. Did that justify the way her kits had been rejected, mercilessly slaughtered by StarClan’s power? Did that justify the way that Appledusk had betrayed her, left her to fend for herself in her broken state, blamed everything upon her? Did that justify the way that Reedshine had looked down at her like pond scum, dubbed her little more than a troublemaker, after she had lost everything?

...Why  _ had _ she tried to kill Reedshine, anyway? Much as she despised Appledusk and wished for him to suffer, and much as she loathed Reedshine for supporting what had happened to her, she knew that Reedshine had been expecting- Mapleshade knew that the yet-to-be-born kits had done nothing to deserve what their parents had brought upon them. To try and cut their little lives off at the source… the realization stuck like a clump of brambles in her throat that she was no better than Ravenwing, or Frecklewish, or Appledusk, or any of the cats whom she had wished to strike down but hadn’t gotten the chance to.  


Of course she wouldn’t be allowed to join StarClan. She would follow the others there, and perhaps get the chance to see her kits one last time, but after she had let herself become a  _ kit-killer _ like them… there was no chance she wouldn’t be cast out. Once again, she would see the peace of a clan’s territory for only a brief moment before being driven away.

Such was her fate: the fate that she herself had sealed, marked in blood. She supposed if she could just see her kits smile once more before she was sent away, that would be enough.

The trees eventually opened up to reveal a clearing, the grass uninterrupted by debris. As they stepped out into the open, Frecklewish turned her head- and froze, her eyes widening. Blinking, Mapleshade glanced over her shoulder. Behind them, the trees shriveled, the grass drying up and giving way to a thick, poisonous darkness. Unlike the mist, which was at least beginning to dissipate under the light, the shadows obscured everything behind them, with only the vaguest of figures to suggest it wasn’t just a solid cliff.

_ “Well, now, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this before.” _

Mapleshade twitched slightly at the sudden sound, as- just barely visible within the shadows- a figure descended from the treetops and landed in the grass. Creeping closer, the figure stopped at the edge of the darkness and leaned out, revealing his face. The patches of orange and white almost caused a surge of unpleasant memories, but Mapleshade shook her head, forcing those memories to the back of her mind. More curious was his eyes, or rather, his  _ eye _ \- one side of his face held only a marred lump of flesh. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, tilting his head.

“Who are you?” Ravenwing demanded, straightening up and leveling a glare at the stranger. Did he think he stood any chance in a one-on-one fight with this cat, who had to be at least twice his size? Had this not been such a dire situation, Mapleshade would have burst into laughter.

The stranger smiled calmly, but his eye was cold. “I am One Eye,” he answered, straightening up in turn. Indeed, he was twice Ravenwing’s height at the shoulder. After a few moments of silence, One Eye continued, “Even before Skystar, I was the original leader of SkyClan.”

Ravenwing jolted. “SkyClan?” he exclaimed, his eyes wide. “As in, the same SkyClan that was driven out by the previous generation?” One Eye’s calm nod caused him to recoil. For what? He had plenty of blood on his paws, but he had had nothing to do with SkyClan.

Mapleshade vaguely remembered hearing tales about SkyClan’s exile as a young kit, her mother having been an apprentice when it happened. The story differed every time as to who had proposed the idea of driving SkyClan out and who had objected to it, but one detail consistent in all the tellings she had heard was that Redstar had opposed driving them out. It was almost certainly a lie; ThunderClan never could deal with the idea of their leaders being fallible.

“You know,” One Eye mused, glancing casually off to the side. “Somehow, every time something goes wrong within the Clans, it always comes back to StarClan, doesn’t it?” He looked back at Ravenwing. “They approved SkyClan’s exile.” His gaze drifted over to Frecklewish. “They allowed your brother and his apprentice to die.” He turned to Appledusk. “They caused the flood that drowned your kits.”

His eye fell on Mapleshade. “They let the skies remain clear as ThunderClan turned against you and your kits,” he remarked, with a smug smile. “They act so above it all, but deep down they’re petty, destructive beasts.” Even if she hadn’t been willfully keeping her mouth shut, Mapleshade would have had no rebuttal. Everything he said made sense, so much sense that it made her blood boil… except for one thing.

“Then what are you, if not a StarClanner?” Ravenwing asked- he’d beat her to it. Glancing over at him, Mapleshade could see his claws digging into the soil. He only did that when he was nervous, she’d noticed, and Oatspeckle had confirmed as much to her a few moons prior to his death.

Lazily waving his tail, One Eye shrugged. “Your Clans have no term for our kind yet, seeing as how we’ve stayed quiet up until now,” he said, lifting his left paw and examining his claws. “Among ourselves, we call our land… the Place of No Stars.” The name elicited an audible shudder from Ravenwing, and even Mapleshade found herself taking a step back.

One Eye turned to her, and chuckled at her expression. “Don’t be afraid, dear,” he said, his smile widening. “You’ll be welcome among us.” Her eyes narrowed, but before she could even think to open her mouth, he continued, “Oh, don’t be like that. You know full well StarClan has no place for creatures like you.” Leaning towards her, he displayed his fangs- rotting, coated in flecks of blood. “You’re just following them to see your kits again, but don’t you wonder… do  _ they _ want to see  _ you _ again?”

The question gave Mapleshade pause, her thoughts struggling to get past the brambly barrier he’d set in front of her. He thought the kits wouldn’t  _ want _ to see her again? That was preposterous. How could they not want to see their own mother again?

Unless… unless they blamed her for their deaths, too.

As if reading her mind, One Eye let out a harsh cackle. “There’s no point in running from your fate,” he crooned, “not when you have nothing waiting for you on the other side.” Sweeping his gaze over the others, he said, “There’s no reason for her not to take the three of you down with her. Assuming, of course, that you three want to face StarClan after what they- and you- have done.”

As his scrutiny switched to the others, Mapleshade’s eyes wandered to One Eye’s right paw, falling on a small reed sticking out from between his claws.

Her heart skipped a beat, staggering over its own rhythm before breaking into a sprint. Reeds- the plant that had driven Ravenwing to expose her, that had indirectly led to the death of seven cats. It couldn’t be… no, it  _ had _ to be.

Lifting her head to meet One Eye’s gaze, she narrowed her eyes and unsheathed her claws. “You sent the reeds that day,” she stated flatly, like it was obvious.

With an exaggerated sigh, One Eye shrugged. “Oh, well,” he said, his grin melting into a smaller smirk. “I suppose there’s no point in denying it.”

Mapleshade lunged, her claws extended towards One Eye’s throat, her jaws releasing a howl of rage. She only fell short as teeth dug into her scruff, yanking her back and away from her victim.  _ “Let me go!” _ she snarled, whipping her head around to face Appledusk. Appledusk released her and jerked his head slightly, gesturing towards the darkness.

Within the shadows, more cats appeared at One Eye’s side, their forms barely visible but still just as deadly. “As I was going to say before she rudely interrupted me,” One Eye said, letting go of the reed and knocking it over to Ravenwing, who could only stare in shock, “I think all four of you would be useful in teaching StarClan a lesson.”

The four of them stepped back slightly, to which One Eye simply chuckled. “That is the way it is, then?” he asked, tilting his head. “Very well.” Turning back to his warriors, he dropped the smile and raised a paw.

“Attack.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief warning: this chapter contains mentions of suicidal ideation in paragraph 32 (beginning with "Meeting his cold gaze...").

_ “Run!” _ Frecklewish yowled- and with that, she, Ravenwing, and Appledusk turned tail and ran. Mapleshade wanted nothing more than to tear every last one of the Place of No Stars cats to pieces, but for once, Frecklewish was right. If she tried to fight, she would surely die- running was her only option. Gritting her teeth, Mapleshade turned and bolted after the others, the tip of her tail just barely escaping a pair of snapping jaws.

Weaving in and out of the trees, over roots and under branches, she found herself reminded, for the briefest of moments, of pursuing Bloomheart through ThunderClan’s forests. _ Keep your limbs close, _ he’d said, _ and your head low- and don’t give up. _ Even now, the advice was serving her well, as in time she managed to catch up with the others despite her initial hesitation.

Shame it had come from such a rotten cat.

Bursting out of the trees, Mapleshade skidded to a stop. Before them lay- _ death- _ a _ river, _ raging, waves beating relentlessly against the shore. Swift currents, unstoppable force, fatal, crushing- _ over the roaring of the waters, she could hear her kits’ helpless screams- sinking beneath the surface, their claws reaching for her, pain and betrayal and _ hatred _ in their eyes as the life left them- _

Something brushed up against her, and she jolted, whipping around to face it. Ravenwing looked back at her, his eyes concerned- for what? “We have to go,” he said, “or we’ll _ die. _ Come on- I’ll be right behind you.”

Why he thought that would be any comfort to her was a mystery- he couldn’t swim any better than she could, let alone catch her if she got swept away, and there was nothing stopping him from letting her die. Still, Mapleshade turned her gaze back to the waters, her fur bristled. Squeezing her eyes shut, she dove in.

The dark waters swiftly consumed her, forcing its way into her nose, her lungs- already burning from their hasty flight. She could still hear them, those maddening wails, screeching that it was _ her fault, all her fault, no cat else’s but hers. _ She struck out, her claws raking at the beast surrounding her, taking out what felt like seasons’ worth of rage on it for the lives it had stolen. Patchkit, Petalkit, Larchkit, even Birchface and Flowerpaw- too many cats had died at the paws of this sodden, uncaring creature.

Her head broke through the surface, and light flooded her gaze for just a moment- the shore was a few fox-lengths away. She gulped down as much air as she could, and in the blink of an eye the water had dragged her down again. Feeling the freezing claws snagging on her pelt, wanting nothing more than to destroy her as it had so many others, she surged forwards, her paws carrying her just a bit closer to the safe haven of the shore.

As her claws struck soil, she scrabbled for purchase on the bank, and hauled herself up- out of the water’s clutches, into the air that she had sorely missed. Inhaling sharply only to find herself sputtering out water, she climbed onto the bank and took a moment to bask in the light. She had done it.

Her eyes slowly lifted- and caught sight of Frecklewish, flailing desperately as the river swept her away. _ Pale brown fur plummeting into the waves, her cry for help silenced- _ without any further thought, Mapleshade staggered to her feet and ran along the shore, her eyes widening. _ Staying still had doomed her kits. She hadn’t been strong enough, it was her fault. _

As she came within a few fox-lengths of the drowning cat, Mapleshade flung herself into the water. _ She couldn’t die this time. _ The screeches of her kits echoed ever louder in her ears as she reached out, snagged her claws on the other cat’s fur, pulled her close enough to grab her scruff. _ She wouldn’t die this time. _ Yanking her along, Mapleshade struck out towards the shore, feeling the last of her energy wash away with the waves. _ If she could just save one it would be worth it. Enough to have one kit still alive. _

Her claws dug into the grass atop the bank, and she dragged the two of them out, setting the other molly down before staggering back and sitting down herself. Watching her breaths closely, Mapleshade began to realize fully that it wasn’t Petalkit she’d just saved, but Frecklewish. On some level she’d known- of course she’d known, she knew better than to think she had a second chance to save her kits. Yet, in her panic, she hadn’t thought it through.

After a few moments that felt like an eternity, Frecklewish jolted, and hacked up water onto the grass beneath them. “You…” she uttered between spluttering coughs, “...you shouldn’t have saved me, Raven, I-”

Spitting out the last of the moisture from her lungs, she inhaled deeply to continue her thought, but as her eyes flickered up to see Mapleshade, she froze. Frecklewish’s jaw hung open with the words unspoken, but Mapleshade could easily see her erratically-twitching ears, bristling fur, and stormy eyes. Any gratitude she might have been ready to express towards her imagined savior was completely gone. Finally, Frecklewish’s face contorted in rage, and she snarled, “Why did you save me?”

Mapleshade said nothing; she hadn't figured that out yet, herself.

Staggering to her paws, Frecklewish leveled a gaze of pure loathing at Mapleshade. “Did you think you could earn your way into StarClan with this?” she hissed, unsheathing her claws. _ StarClan? Eternal torment. _ “You lied to all of us, pretending to honor my brother when you were just _ spitting on his grave_.” _ Spitting on his grave… no grave at all. _ “You fall in love with a murderer, and even sire kits with him.” _ Murderer… kit-killer. _ “And when you finally face consequences for your treason, you _ kill _ two of your clanmates.” _ Consequences? Retribution. _

The words threatened to drag Mapleshade back under the surface, drowning her within the river of blood that had been spilled the past few sunrises, but Frecklewish only seemed to grow angrier, drawing herself up to her full height. “You told me you were letting me die because I failed to save your kits,” Frecklewish growled, her eyes gleaming like adder’s venom. _ Failed? Didn’t even bother. _ “So what changed?” A few moments passed, and Mapleshade still did not answer.

Baring her teeth, Frecklewish spat, “Why do I suddenly deserve basic decency again?”

_ Basic decency. Mistreatment. Deserve. _ Mapleshade could only stare back, the screams roaring in her ears louder than ever. _ Help us, help me, you betrayed them, treason, creatures- don’t belong- go away- YOUR FAULT. _

Deep within her soul, something snapped.

“What do you know about basic decency?” Mapleshade asked, her voice calm despite the roaring flood behind it. Only the flash within her eyes belied her rising anger. Of course Frecklewish wouldn’t know anything about basic decency. No cat here did.

She narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t fail to save my kits,” she growled. “I could never kill a cat for the simple act of failing.” Lashing her tail, she snarled, “You didn’t even _ try. _ Nettlepaw told me- you sat there and _ did nothing _ as my kits screamed for help.” Taking a step closer to Frecklewish, who stumbled back, she bared her teeth. “Now, I already knew you didn’t see them as kits. _ ‘Half-Clan creatures,’ _ I believe, is the term you used. But the fact that you were able to listen to them die and _ not even lift a paw_?” Frecklewish opened her mouth, but Mapleshade shook her head. “I know you never loved them,” she stated, “you only loved your brother’s _ precious _ name.” Insulting Birchface’s legacy was just going to make them angry, but frankly, Mapleshade didn’t care anymore. Leaning in closer, she hissed, “But they loved you, and _ you betrayed them_.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Mapleshade watched Ravenwing stumble over and stand next to Frecklewish, glaring back up at her. “And you’re no better,” Mapleshade said, her eyes landing squarely on him. “‘Sign from StarClan,’ my eye. Why would StarClan ever send a sign calling for kits to be cast out to their deaths? And you knew it, too. You _ knew _ my kits were going to suffer, you told me as much.” She curled her lip and spat, “I can’t believe I felt sorry for you after Oatspeckle died. He would have been _ ashamed _ to find out his apprentice was a _ kit-killer_.” Ravenwing recoiled at her words, his courage seemingly gone. She had expected to feel some satisfaction at his reaction, but she felt nothing.

Frecklewish stepped forwards and raised a paw in preparation to speak, but Mapleshade turned her head to face Appledusk a few tail-lengths away. “As for you,” she growled, “I don’t know why I believed you when you said that Birchface and Flowerpaw’s deaths were an accident, or that you felt guilty. We took the fall for you, my kits and I faced all the consequences for what _ you _ did, and for what?” She stalked towards him, her teeth baring. “All that for you to twine tails with Reedshine behind my back, let my kits _ die_, and _ blame me for everything. _ You left me to _ suffer _ alone, and you had the _ gall _ to call it mercy.”

She shivered slightly from the cold. “And after all you did, after Reedshine told me _ ‘go away, Mapleshade, you’ve caused enough trouble tonight,’ _ after I’d just _ lost everything,_” she whispered, leaning in closer, “what did you do?”

Appledusk snarled, “Listen, I was-”

Excusing himself, putting himself out of the line of fire, as usual- she couldn’t take it anymore. Cutting him off with a lash of her tail, Mapleshade roared, _ “WHAT DID YOU DO, APPLEDUSK?” _

The forest fell silent, the echoes slowly fading away to nothing.

“Nothing,” Mapleshade said finally, her jaw set. “You sat by and did nothing.” Turning around, she swept her gaze over the three of them- the pathetic Frecklewish, the guilty Ravenwing, the silent Appledusk. “Any one of you could’ve done something differently, and the kits would have lived. They would’ve gotten to be apprentices, warriors, maybe even leaders some day.” She lifted her eyes to the skies, clouded by mist. “They would have experienced the thrill of catching their first prey, visiting the Moonstone, sitting vigil with their new names, fighting for their clan. They would have become the finest cats any clan had ever known.”

Her eyes lowered onto Frecklewish. “Petalkit looked up to you, you know,” she said lowly, her ears flattened back. “She told me one night, after she saw you sparring with Bloomheart, that she wanted to be just as strong as you someday.” Turning her gaze to Ravenwing, she added, “And Larchkit told me he thought he’d like to be your apprentice when he got to be old enough. He said you needed some cat to ease your burden.”

Sitting down, she curled her tail around her paws. “They could have done it,” she muttered, “if they’d had the chance. Larchkit could identify marigold when I showed it to him. And Petalkit and Patchkit managed to knock Seedpelt over while playing once.” Casting her eyes towards Appledusk, she said, “They could have ended the feud between Oakstar and Darkstar. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost any more warriors over those useless rocks.”

Meeting his cold gaze, Mapleshade swallowed back the lump in her throat. “I prayed for StarClan to take me instead of them,” she murmured, “and if letting myself drown would have spared them, I would have done it in a heartbeat.” With a wry chuckle, she lowered her head. “Maybe I should’ve done it regardless. Would’ve saved us all a lot of trouble… it’s what I deserved anyway.” As the words spilled out into the open air, she shook her head and forced a stoic expression. Peddling for pity did neither her nor any cat else any good.

Appledusk opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Ravenwing glanced at him and lashed his tail. His eyes narrowing, Appledusk closed his mouth.

With a heavy sigh, Mapleshade continued, “The night after the flood, when I blacked out, I saw them drowning, struggling, helpless, screeching for me to _ do something._” Her gaze traveled to the wound on Ravenwing’s neck. “The night after I killed you, Larchkit wasn’t there anymore. He was free, or so I thought.” She met Frecklewish’s red-ringed gaze. “Then I killed you, and Petalkit wasn’t there that night either.” She looked at Appledusk. “Then I killed you, and Patchkit appeared over your body to tell me he was free.”

Her facade cracked, and she felt herself tremble slightly. “I know now it didn’t make any sense- that killing more cats could never bring them peace,” she admitted, her eyes shifting towards the ground. “But at the time, I had no one to turn to. I had no one to confess my grief, and anger, and hatred to. No one was there to make me see sense.” Her claws dug into the soil. “All I knew was that the kits deserved justice,” she said, “and that none of you would ever bring it to them. ThunderClan would never recognize that their bigotry had caused innocent kits to die, and RiverClan, well…” She glared up at Appledusk. “You didn’t even care enough about them to ask me their _ names_.” That made him wince, yet she felt no satisfaction at that either.

It was odd. Mapleshade was fairly certain she had spoken every bit of what was on her mind. She had expected it to feel freeing afterwards, like the relief that came after vomiting up poison. Yet she felt no better than she had when she first woke up in this place… and no better than she had that first day after the flood.

She had come to a conclusion, though- the one that Frecklewish had originally asked for. “That’s what’s changed,” Mapleshade said, looking back at Frecklewish. “Killing you three didn’t make anything better. It might have ensured that justice _ wasn’t _ served, if One Eye had had his way.” She turned her head toward the light. “You sold my kits out, betrayed them, let them die… and _I _ failed to protect them. If I want justice for my kits, _ we _ have to tell them, _ to their faces, _ that they didn’t deserve what we allowed to happen to them.”

Wryly, she remarked, “For that to happen, I need to get you three to StarClan.” Looking back over to them, she added, “You three must understand that- you’ve had three opportunities to let me die again, and you’ve turned down all of them.” Frecklewish had stopped Appledusk from killing her, Appledusk had stopped her from being torn apart by the Place of No Stars cats, and Ravenwing had stopped her from falling into a trance.

She glanced back over her shoulder. The waters of the river continued to rage, choppy waves rising up and down. One Eye still stood on the other bank, smirking, like he had nothing better to do than listen to her air out her grievances. Did he know how long the river ran, or how long it would be before the rapids calmed? His allies stood by his side, so she guessed he was waiting for the latter.

“We need to go,” Mapleshade muttered, walking past the three of them and towards the light. “Those… _ creatures _ started all of this. I won’t have you three falling into their claws just yet.”

A few moments later, the others fell into step behind her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: if I were titling these chapters, I would probably have titled this one "It's Rewind Time."
> 
> Or, alternatively, "Even In Flashbacks, Appledusk Can't Escape Being Roasted."

_ “You will regret this, Appledusk. That is my last promise to you.” _

As Mapleshade finally tore her despicable gaze off of them and turned to leave, Appledusk had to resist the urge to shoot back that he already did. He regretted every bit of their relationship, every moment of the time they’d spent together, the fleeting happiness they’d shared, all leading up to this utter betrayal. She had come within a whisker’s breadth of ruining everything, all because she couldn’t keep a secret, because she couldn’t make rational decisions, because she couldn’t be a good enough mother for these kits.

Had Darkstar not been watching, he might have gone ahead and killed Mapleshade right then and there. At least then, maybe he’d feel better.

The shadows of the undergrowth swallowed the last of Mapleshade’s form, and the camp seemed to regain its life. Appledusk stumbled away from the others, ignoring their pointed glares and hushed comments, and leaned against a tree, heaving deep, shaky breaths. The bile slowly receded from his throat, leaving emptiness in place of nausea.

His heart still hammered in his chest, the reality of what he’d almost faced crashing down on him. Had it not been for Reedshine’s mercy, he would have lost everything- his home, his reputation, his family, his friends, his beloved… but he’d been given a second chance. Even if they weren’t happy with him right now, they’d eventually forgive him. He could start again.

Still, the night had taxed him. He felt as though he’d aged several seasons over the course of a single sunset. The grief of losing his kits would probably follow him forever. If he wanted to have any hope of sleeping tonight, he would need something to take the edge off of his pain. Echosnout would probably have something for that.

Standing up straight, Appledusk trudged over to the medicine den. Pushing through the vines into the interior of the den, he looked over at Echosnout, who appeared to be rearranging traveling herbs. “Could I have some chamomile?” he asked wearily, eyeing the white petals. “Just… to calm my head.” The medicine cats rarely gave out chamomile except for Moonstone trips, but he figured Echosnout would make an exception this time. He’d just lost his kits and almost lost everything else, she would understand.

Echosnout looked over her shoulder at him, her eyes stoic. “No. Go to sleep, it’s late,” she answered coolly, pushing the clump of chamomile away. “Cloudpaw and I have to travel to the Moonstone in two days, and we’re running short already.”

Appledusk frowned. “Please,” he said, taking a step forward. “I’ve had a rough night, I-”

“If I were willing to waste herbs, I would have offered them to Eeltail, Splashfoot, and Rainfall,” Echosnout said, turning to face him. “Or, StarClan forbid, I might have even given Mapleshade some before she left. But I need them for the Moonstone trip.” Waving her tail, she said, “Now go to sleep. That’s the best thing you can do right now.”

_ Then what are you even good for, _ Appledusk found himself wishing he could say to her, but he decided against it. Scowling, he turned and walked out of the den. Utterly useless, she was. She dared to openly admit that she would prioritize a rogue over her own clanmate? He could have had Darkstar exile her too, if he wasn’t already on such unsteady ground himself.

He was distracted from his thoughts by the sight of Reedshine going into one of the dens- not the warriors’ den, he recalled, but the nursery. Why would she be going there? He’d heard nothing about newly expecting queens, unless…

Realization dawned on him. Of course, she must have been expecting kits herself. Maybe they could fill the hole that had just been torn in his soul. A soft smile gracing his face, Appledusk hurried over to her, and opened his mouth to congratulate her.

Reedshine looked over her shoulder and gave him a withering glare, the sheer rage behind it nearly knocking him off his feet. “Not tonight,” she growled, lashing her tail. “I want you to think about what you’ve done.”

Right, he had hurt her too… Appledusk’s face melted into a frown, and he murmured, “I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” she interrupted. “Unless you aren’t grateful that I got you out of trouble, I suggest you leave me alone.”

What was this? Did she think… no, she couldn’t have. “Listen, I never really loved Mapleshade,” Appledusk insisted, his ears flattening back. Bile rose up again in his throat at how easily the words came out, how true they rang. He’d found her pretty, sure, and she had appeared to be an intelligent, understanding cat (up until now, at least), but he had never seen them having a life together. “And I-”

Reedshine shook her head. “I know.”

As Appledusk blinked in confusion, Reedshine sighed and averted her eyes. “I should know what love looks like- I fought for you,” she said. “I took your side against that of a grieving, traumatized mother. I convinced Darkstar you should stay in RiverClan, when I wasn’t sure I believed it myself. I told Mapleshade to leave, blamed her, to try and help lessen your guilt.” Looking back up at him, she murmured, “I wouldn’t have tried to help you if I didn’t love you with all of my heart.”

Appledusk shrank back slightly, but Reedshine’s expression didn’t change. “But I don’t think you love me,” she said, twitching her tail. “I’m not convinced you’re even capable of love.”

Capable? How dare she? “I _ just _ lost my kits,” Appledusk snapped, his tail lashing, “how can you treat me like this?”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” Reedshine said, furrowing her brows. “_You _ just lost _ your _ kits. Never mind how I feel about you betraying me, how the kits would have felt about you making them out to be mistakes, or even how Mapleshade feels about losing _ her _ kits. It’s all about what happened to _ you_, and how much I should pity _ you_.” Appledusk stared wide-eyed, unsure what he was even supposed to say.

With a shake of her head, Reedshine muttered, “And you aren’t even guilty enough to realize that you’ve lost the right to share a nest with me. Maybe I should have had Mapleshade stay after all, and let you deal with that guilt too.”

Dumbfounded, Appledusk opened his jaws, but the words wouldn’t come. His expression contorted from shock, to rage, to hurt, to remorse, but he couldn’t think of the right words to say.

Turning back towards the den, Reedshine said, “I am expecting kits, if that’s what you were wondering.” She glanced over her shoulder, her eyes narrowed. “I wish I could believe that that made me worth more than dirtied moss to you.”

He reached out a paw, and she snapped, “Go sleep in your own nest.” More softly, she murmured, “Tomorrow, we can talk.” With that, she walked into the den, not sparing another glance towards him. Appledusk stared after her, his paw still outstretched.

He couldn’t believe this. Was StarClan not satisfied with how much he’d suffered already? Were they going to take his real mate from him, too? No, that couldn’t be it. Darkstar was right- he’d been punished enough by the death of his first litter of kits, and StarClan would see that too. In time, Reedshine would come back around to him, forgive him for what he’d done. He could have an actual family this time, and move on from how Mapleshade had nearly ruined him.

She just needed some time to understand that he really was sorry. He could prove it, too. He would guard his new kits day and night if he had to.

He watched her fade into the darkness- _ and light flashed across his vision, flashes of Perchpaw flailing helplessly under Mapleshade’s grip, flashes of Mapleshade surging towards Reedshine. His paws moved before he could even think, his body extending to shield the queen and her unborn kits. Claws tore through his throat, staining Mapleshade’s face with blood and satisfaction as he fell onto the grass. _

_ Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Perchpaw striking swiftly, putting down the crazed rogue with a single bite. His gaze drifted up to Reedshine, their eyes meeting- his eyes fogging up, her eyes horrified and sorrowful. This… this was what love felt like, laying down his life for hers without a second thought. She would live on, and that was enough for him. _

_ He opened his jaws, but his words- his last apology- died in his throat, the fog rising up to consume him- _

-and he jolted, his eyes focusing in on the mist surrounding him. He was still standing, wilted grass underneath his paws. Lifting his head, he saw Ravenwing glancing back at him, Frecklewish glancing back at Ravenwing, and Mapleshade glancing back at all three of them (with clear annoyance in her eyes, he could see even from several tree-lengths away).

Shaking his head, Appledusk jogged over to Ravenwing. The two mollies turned back towards the light and continued walking. Ravenwing shot Appledusk a glance that Appledusk could have mistaken for concern, then followed after the other two.

With a sigh, Appledusk walked after Ravenwing, ignoring the ache in his paws and his heart.


End file.
